You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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