you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
