All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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