It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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