also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
