this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
