I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
