I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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