The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
