Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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