I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Randomize
