For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
