just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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