Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
