I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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