I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
