SEEEEXXX PLEASE
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
