forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
