How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
