I wannas sexs uuuuu
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
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