My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
