Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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