just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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