can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
