it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
