Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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