you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
