I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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