The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Randomize
