Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
