My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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