You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
