thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
