Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
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