I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
false alarm, still single
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
