Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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