I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
