you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
