Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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