I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
