omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize