I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
