I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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