I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
