dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
