Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
