I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
