my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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