Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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