I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
