theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
