Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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