Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
