Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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