eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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