At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
