Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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