Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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