those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he puts the penis in happiness.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
