We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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