Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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