if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
